The science behind a great marriage

 

Go ahead, fight — but choose your words carefully

.

You can tell a lot about the future of a marriage by the way a couple argues, says Gottman. He determined four negative emotions used in arguments that proved particularly toxic on the relationship: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. Conversely, happy and secure couples used positive behaviors to diffuse the tension, such as humor, affection, and acknowledgement of their partner’s point of view. Secure couples used five times more positive behaviors in their arguments than negative ones.

Gottman concluded that all married couples can benefit from building and maintaining their friendship with each other so they can assume the best of their partner when times are tough. He also encourages spouses to recognize that words can either build up or break down a marriage.

Next time you get into a tiff, you may want to think twice about needing to win the battle.