The 2 Little Words That Can Improve Your Relationship (and Make You Less Likely to Break Up!)

by April Daniels Hussar, Self

Looking to give your relationship a little “boost”? Would you like to feel happier together, or just a little more rock-solid? Turns out, all you need is a simple, yet powerful, turn of phrase…

“Thank you.”

Sound simple? It is! “People who feel more grateful for their partners are more committed to their relationships, more thoughtful and responsive to their partners’ needs and are more likely to still be in their relationships nine months later than people who are less grateful for their partners,” says Amie Gordon, a Ph.D. candidate at the University of California, Berkeley, who recently conducted a study on the benefits of gratitude in relationships, published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology.

Davis also found that couples who express gratitude report engaging in more “relationship maintenance behaviors” (like trying to resolve conflict).

“Why might this be?” says Davis. “I believe that when you are grateful, you are noticing your partner and what he or she adds to your life.” This, says Davis, should make you feel like you have a valuable partner (Wow, I’m lucky to have such a wonderful person in my life!). “In turn, realizing you have a valuable partner should make you want to hold onto them,” she says.

Licensed psychotherapist and relationship expert Tina B. Tessina, Ph.D (aka “Dr. Romance”), author of It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction,  agrees that expressing appreciation is the key to a happy relationship. “Gratitude and kindness are the lubricant of your relationship,” she says. “They make everything run more smoothly, soothe rough edges and create motivation to stay connected.”

Tessina says that feeling and expressing gratitude will also make you feel better about yourself and your relationship — in a “counting your blessings” kind of way. “It’s easy to ignore the good things and focus on the problems; counting blessings puts the good back into perspective,” she says.

“Think of it as a cycle — when you are grateful and appreciative of your partner, you want to engage in behaviors to demonstrate your feelings and make sure you hold onto your relationship, and when you engage in these behaviors, your partner feels appreciated,” says Davis. Feel like your partner isn’t very grateful for you? Instead of complaining, Davis recommends doing something nice to express gratitude to your partner instead. “Your nice act might start a cycle of gratitude in which your partner repays in kind.”

Sound like the kind of cycle you want to create? Here are some ideas for boosting your own relationship with gratitude, starting today!

• Say thank you — and please. “The relationships depicted in the media do not model kind, loving and considerate behavior very well,” says Tessina. “Although the press may be bored by politeness, kindness and happiness, those traits will make your partner and your relationship flourish and blossom.”
• Listen. It’s another simple, but essential concept — to really listen without distraction, and respond to what your partner is saying and feeling. “Being thoughtful and responsive to your partner is very important,” says Davis.
• Find little ways to express appreciation. “Bring a pretty and sentimental greeting card home, or better yet, send it by snail mail for the best bargain of your life,” says Tessina. “Bring home a cookie or a couple of chocolates and say ‘sweets for the sweet.’ Pick a flower and put it by your partner’s bedside, or better yet, on his or her pillow before waking him or her up.”
• Do something special when there’s no special occasion. “Suddenly say, ‘C’mon, I’m taking you to breakfast (lunch, a movie, the ball game),'” recommends Tessina. “Create a date like you did when you first met, and say, ‘I love you even more now than when we did this the first time.'”
• Need some inspiration? “Research suggests that imagining if you’d never met your partner can help boost your mood, and I think that would also make you more grateful for him or her,” says Davis. “It is easy to begin to take someone for granted when you spend a lot of time together, so this kind of mental game can help you remember what your partner adds to your life.”